Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
