you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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