I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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