i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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