so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
