I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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