My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
bring money and cleavage
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
