What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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