I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
