I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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