i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
