This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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