Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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