I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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