my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
