gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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