Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
