yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
