i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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