Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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