My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
