I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
