My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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