I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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