Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
