Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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