This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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