I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize