my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
