just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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