I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
