you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
