I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
