Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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