i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize