Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
