just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
