Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
