Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
