I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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