Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
