it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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