Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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