I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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