I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
