Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
