she was so not down for the gang bang
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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