checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
