He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I will be naked everywhere
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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