I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I enjoy the company of your penis
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
