Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
