I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
