If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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