you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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