i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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