This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
