I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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