thus making me awesome and them whores
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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